Sunday, October 14, 2007

You can't push against something that's not there

Sometimes I worry I'm way too serious for this forum. So feel free to vote me off the island if you need to.

This morning I've been feeling like crappy mom and crappy person. So I call one of my best friends, Melody, because she gets me and she loves me even with my flaws. She is bound to have something to say to lift my spirits.

Long story short, just one of the things I was beating myself up about was my relationship with my daughter. It does not matter how much I do for her or how I try to show my love for her, it is never ever enough (ironically, I can just hear those words coming from my own mother's heart about me some 30 years ago). L~ will always see what I do for or how I treat the other kids and magnify it while turning a blind eye to the ways I express my love for her. She refuses hugs and pushes me away at every turn.

In any case, Melody was talking about how I express my love for my kids and how they know how much I love them. I rebutted "...except for L~." Melody then wisely pointed out that L~ would not feel the need to push back my love so hard if she did not feel it coming toward her. I never thought about it that way. For whatever reason she tries to resist, L~ knows I love her, even when the two of us are driving each other the craziest.

So I just wanted to put that out there, for future reference if you need it. That the love you give seeps in one way or the other, no matter how the relationship with whatever particular child is going at the moment.

Maybe that's part of what being a good mommy is all about.


ahna said...

I have a very similar struggle with my first child. OK, its a struggle with myself. I have to give up what I want for what is, an that's hard. I want to show her the very depth and weight of my love for her with lots of hugs and hand holding, etc, and she pretty much want none of it. I've come to realize that she is a way more private gal than I am. She loves me back. Just not in the way that I want. She loves me in her own, weird 8 year old way. We have secret signs and code words, but if I try to hug her, she almost ducks and runs.
When I see her with her sisters, she is kind and loving and warm. I guess she's OK, and I just have to give up my idea that loving someone has to be the way that I want it to be. And when I back off, she comes to me.

AzĂșcar said...

You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

La Yen said...

Az, for a brief second I though you were quoting the facts of life theme song.

AzĂșcar said...

That's what I meant to quote. Oops.

I'd like to say "Sorry" to my mom publically, even though she doesn't even read my blog let alone other blogs. I was mean to her for a long time.

compulsive writer said...

I picked up on that verse the very first time I heard the song. It's my mother mantra.

Geo said...

Glad you shared that insight.

~j. said...

There's a time
You've got to go and show
You're growing...

...wait. someone already made that joke.

cw, thank you for that future reference. It's not too far off in the future for any of us -- right around the corner. Lovely, lovely Melody.

Sue said...

"...the love you give seeps in one way or the other, no matter how the relationship with whatever particular child is going at the moment."

What a lovely thought.

Queen Scarlett said...

we need wisdom...keep posting.

compulsive writer said...

OK. Since any semblance of wisdom I could possibly muster comes from my wise friends I'll keep sharing what I learn from them.

From time to time anyway.

Angela WD said...

I hear every mom say that they but heads with one child more than any other. My youngest and I struggle in our relationship much more than First Born, but we're also much more alike.

Angela WD said...

Oh, and thanks guys for putting the "Facts of Life" earworm into my brain!

Heather Mommy said...


I'm new to your blog but I wanted to suggest a book that I like, "The Five Love Languages of Children." It talks about how we all have different ways of feeling and understanding love. I know this is really true in my relationship with my husband and my children. Maybe sometimes we express love in a way that our family doesn't understand or need because we are showing love in our love language. Maybe they need us to show love in a different way.

Just a thought.

Annie said...

You know what's weird? Being a mom has made me realize how much my mother loves me, but I still have a hard time believing that she loves me as much as I love Mini Me. Is that messed up?

compulsive writer said...

I get that Annie--I really do.