so my 14-year-old did something stupid and unkind the other day. part of me is angry and disappointed. but part of me knows this has happened, at one time or another, to a lot of people. so i'd like to hear your stories and about how you handled it if it ever happened to you.
despite my repeated pleas she "play nice," she was dissing a friend to a group of other friends (to be fair, they were all dissing that girl. mean, i know. but also very 14). while she was going off the girl walked in and heard what she said.
the girl is, of course, crushed. i wish i had the power to take her hurt away and unbreak her heart, but i don't.
i would, however, like to know how to help my daughter apologize. (not that she listens to me. much. but i'd like to try.) she does feel badly (she has a conscience after all). but she is more prone to avoid the situation than woman up and say she's sorry.
your thoughts?
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
on braids and body image
this is--after a fashion--my homework.
disclaimer: i do know how to french braid. it's just that having two boys first didn't give me much practice to prepare for a girl who can't sit still long enough for me to get it right. i could do it with practice. really, i could.
14-year-old daughter, looking at her funky not-a-french-braid: too bad someone around here doesn't know how to french braid!
*****
14-year-old daughter: don't you think my hair looks cute like this?
me: yes. but i think you look cute no matter how your hair is.
14-year-old daughter: i know.
i raise my eyebrow...
14-year-old daughter, looking right at me: but aren't you glad i'm not one of those "no i don't. these make me look fat. i'm not pretty..." kind of girls?
me: you got that right!
maybe she would have come out that way anyway. but maybe my making it a point not to disparage myself--my body--out loud helps her a little. i hope so. it would kind of make up for that not being able to french braid thing.
disclaimer: i do know how to french braid. it's just that having two boys first didn't give me much practice to prepare for a girl who can't sit still long enough for me to get it right. i could do it with practice. really, i could.
14-year-old daughter, looking at her funky not-a-french-braid: too bad someone around here doesn't know how to french braid!
*****
14-year-old daughter: don't you think my hair looks cute like this?
me: yes. but i think you look cute no matter how your hair is.
14-year-old daughter: i know.
i raise my eyebrow...
14-year-old daughter, looking right at me: but aren't you glad i'm not one of those "no i don't. these make me look fat. i'm not pretty..." kind of girls?
me: you got that right!
maybe she would have come out that way anyway. but maybe my making it a point not to disparage myself--my body--out loud helps her a little. i hope so. it would kind of make up for that not being able to french braid thing.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Your Child is Invited...
...to a birthday party.
It's for a fifteen year old.
Let's say a boy.
It involves "some fun" at a local Fun Place, followed by a spaghetti dinner at the boy's home.
Please RSVP.
And don't forget to bring $15 to contribute to all the "fun".
Please comment.
It's for a fifteen year old.
Let's say a boy.
It involves "some fun" at a local Fun Place, followed by a spaghetti dinner at the boy's home.
Please RSVP.
And don't forget to bring $15 to contribute to all the "fun".
Please comment.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
On the Subject of Outings With Children....
What do we think of this?
The Associated Press: Stranger accused of slapping crying child at store
A lot of the chatter rolling around is of the assumption that people are tired of "bratty kids" and having to listen to crying toddlers or babies in public places.
What I am thinking is, "There are plenty of ADULTS I'd like to slap at Walmart...but you don't see ME hauling off!! Since when are children and babies less important than any other human on this planet?"
...oh wait.
Shared via AddThis
The Associated Press: Stranger accused of slapping crying child at store
A lot of the chatter rolling around is of the assumption that people are tired of "bratty kids" and having to listen to crying toddlers or babies in public places.
What I am thinking is, "There are plenty of ADULTS I'd like to slap at Walmart...but you don't see ME hauling off!! Since when are children and babies less important than any other human on this planet?"
...oh wait.
Shared via AddThis
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Mommy High and Low, All In One Outing
I had the opportunity to run some errands yesterday with only my 5 year old daughter in tow. (Any time spent running errands with less than the usual amount of tag-a-longs is a little manna from heaven, no?) First on the list was to do some schoolbook hunting at a local used book store.
Book store browsing with kid(s) has not gone well in the past. At least not the way I like to book store browse. Typical book store trips with the kid(s) had not involved much browsing. Mostly quick scanning. Lot's of kid chasing. On a good trip, reading 20 million children's books.
This trip was different. It was a first. We leisurely browsed, yes BROWSED, the book store for nearly 2 hours!!! The two of us!!! Did I mention that we BROWSED??? LEISURELY???!!! Took our time. Picked through all the shelves that interested us. Flipped through pages. Read short stories. Sat side by side just doing our thing. She had a little pile going. I had a little pile going. Occasionally, one of us would lift a brow and share a little tidbit from whatever had caught our fascination at the moment. It was heaven!!!!!
It took an observation of a mother who wandered back to our section with her son, probably a year younger than my daughter, for me to truly appreciate my blissed out moment. She tried to sift through the unorganized book shelves while distractedly calling after her son. She tried to search for treasures amid the overstuffed rows, but really, I know she was scanning the same shelf over and over each time she came back from pulling her kid off of the nearby ladder. This poor, exasperated mother sat her son down with a book probably a half dozen times. He wouldn't fall for it unless she promised to stop "browsing" and read to him. It was during this little lad's third trip around the book store, mom close behind, that I glanced down at my precious 5 year old. I couldn't help but throw my arms around her and whisper "I love you" in her ear. We had reached a milestone. One I have been looking forward to for a long time.
I practically bounced out of the store with my little one in tow. I was on a mommy HIGH. I was already planning a forecast of new outings with my newfound book store buddy!
Oh yes, we had one more errand to attend to on this outing. A stop at the "Only 99 Cents" store. First this, than that. Just two more items. Ok, let's head to the checkout. And that is when my mommy high dropped to a sinking low. Plummeted, rather.
"Ewww! Why does that man's skin look so weird?" my 5 year old points to the man approaching our line (You know, to make sure we all see exactly who the rude comment is directed at). I thought we were PAST that stage! I answer some plain spoken possibilities ending with an "I don't know, but let's remember to be kind."
No, that answer would not suffice. My daughters questions would not remain innocuous, either. They took an offensive, embarrassing turn for the worse that left me scrambling for distractions and red-facedly rushing to get OUT of the store and IN to the car. The whole way, thinking to myself, "She KNOWS better! Where did she come UP with that stuff?? Have I not taught her correctly?" Finally, "Why didn't I handle that better??"
I always thought I'd apologize in those situations. Thought my child would be "well-mannered, loving and polite" during public outings by this stage. ;-) Well, at least more loving. Or that I'd at least handle an occasional, innocent flub with more decorum and loving politeness than I actually did. (Neck sweating, face blushing, avoiding eye contact and refusing to turn around and face the man, let alone apologize, was not exactly the best response, huh?)
All of this, to remind me that I am just a mom. Not "just a mom" as in, "nothing more" than a mom. (I'm really not sure what THAT means, anyhow. But that is a WHOLE different story.) No, I am just a mom. My role as mom is teacher. Nurturer. Caretaker. I am there to love. It is so simple. As much as I want to take credit for the "highs" and hang my head in shame over the "lows", I cannot. I am no more of a good mommy, than I am a bad mommy. I am simply, "Mommy".
P.S. The car ride home provided a valuable teaching opportunity. *wink*wink*
Book store browsing with kid(s) has not gone well in the past. At least not the way I like to book store browse. Typical book store trips with the kid(s) had not involved much browsing. Mostly quick scanning. Lot's of kid chasing. On a good trip, reading 20 million children's books.
This trip was different. It was a first. We leisurely browsed, yes BROWSED, the book store for nearly 2 hours!!! The two of us!!! Did I mention that we BROWSED??? LEISURELY???!!! Took our time. Picked through all the shelves that interested us. Flipped through pages. Read short stories. Sat side by side just doing our thing. She had a little pile going. I had a little pile going. Occasionally, one of us would lift a brow and share a little tidbit from whatever had caught our fascination at the moment. It was heaven!!!!!
It took an observation of a mother who wandered back to our section with her son, probably a year younger than my daughter, for me to truly appreciate my blissed out moment. She tried to sift through the unorganized book shelves while distractedly calling after her son. She tried to search for treasures amid the overstuffed rows, but really, I know she was scanning the same shelf over and over each time she came back from pulling her kid off of the nearby ladder. This poor, exasperated mother sat her son down with a book probably a half dozen times. He wouldn't fall for it unless she promised to stop "browsing" and read to him. It was during this little lad's third trip around the book store, mom close behind, that I glanced down at my precious 5 year old. I couldn't help but throw my arms around her and whisper "I love you" in her ear. We had reached a milestone. One I have been looking forward to for a long time.
I practically bounced out of the store with my little one in tow. I was on a mommy HIGH. I was already planning a forecast of new outings with my newfound book store buddy!
Oh yes, we had one more errand to attend to on this outing. A stop at the "Only 99 Cents" store. First this, than that. Just two more items. Ok, let's head to the checkout. And that is when my mommy high dropped to a sinking low. Plummeted, rather.
"Ewww! Why does that man's skin look so weird?" my 5 year old points to the man approaching our line (You know, to make sure we all see exactly who the rude comment is directed at). I thought we were PAST that stage! I answer some plain spoken possibilities ending with an "I don't know, but let's remember to be kind."
No, that answer would not suffice. My daughters questions would not remain innocuous, either. They took an offensive, embarrassing turn for the worse that left me scrambling for distractions and red-facedly rushing to get OUT of the store and IN to the car. The whole way, thinking to myself, "She KNOWS better! Where did she come UP with that stuff?? Have I not taught her correctly?" Finally, "Why didn't I handle that better??"
I always thought I'd apologize in those situations. Thought my child would be "well-mannered, loving and polite" during public outings by this stage. ;-) Well, at least more loving. Or that I'd at least handle an occasional, innocent flub with more decorum and loving politeness than I actually did. (Neck sweating, face blushing, avoiding eye contact and refusing to turn around and face the man, let alone apologize, was not exactly the best response, huh?)
All of this, to remind me that I am just a mom. Not "just a mom" as in, "nothing more" than a mom. (I'm really not sure what THAT means, anyhow. But that is a WHOLE different story.) No, I am just a mom. My role as mom is teacher. Nurturer. Caretaker. I am there to love. It is so simple. As much as I want to take credit for the "highs" and hang my head in shame over the "lows", I cannot. I am no more of a good mommy, than I am a bad mommy. I am simply, "Mommy".
P.S. The car ride home provided a valuable teaching opportunity. *wink*wink*
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Rude...or Socially Inept?
So there's this woman that is in our ward/neighborhood.
I can't figure her out, and have pretty much given up, and given her a wide berth so I don't have to interact with her much. I have tried in the past to be reach out to her - but it is clear she's a different kind of cookie.
She's the woman that refuses to teach in primary because she's with her kids all week.
She's the former lawyer who won't stop reminding you that she was a former lawyer.
She's the one that only likes to be up there demonstrating, as a gospel doctrine teacher, how smart she is, or how connected she is to GAs...etc...
She's the one that doesn't talk to you, if you're not important enough when there are other more important people (in her eyes) around.
She's the one that if you're a new move-in she'll only talk to you if you are sporting the labels of material success.
She's the one that if you say hello to her in the hallways of church she ignores you.
I can't figure her out, and have pretty much given up, and given her a wide berth so I don't have to interact with her much. I have tried in the past to be reach out to her - but it is clear she's a different kind of cookie.
She's the woman that refuses to teach in primary because she's with her kids all week.
She's the former lawyer who won't stop reminding you that she was a former lawyer.
She's the one that only likes to be up there demonstrating, as a gospel doctrine teacher, how smart she is, or how connected she is to GAs...etc...
She's the one that doesn't talk to you, if you're not important enough when there are other more important people (in her eyes) around.
She's the one that if you're a new move-in she'll only talk to you if you are sporting the labels of material success.
She's the one that if you say hello to her in the hallways of church she ignores you.
She's the one that has announced publicly how dissatisfied she is with her husband.
So - despite all that... I try to be nice when I'm around her...I know... I'm silly.
Turns out her daughter is in my daughter's kindergarten class. Her daughter is adorable - she looks like the little "who" girl from The Grinch that Stole Christmas... the little upturned nose.
I mentioned to her - and my other friend (the one that used to be a lawyer but doesn't keep dwelling on it...) how great my daughter's teacher was - going the extra mile etc... (that I mention in this most recent post).
Her reaction was a bit shocking.
QS: Isn't that amazing? I was so touched by the teacher. She really went the extra-mile.
The Grinch Lady: So she's going to wear her glasses... why? What is that going to do?
QS: I imagine it might make my daughter feel more comfortable - accepted.
The Grinch Lady: Well, that's too bad for the good kids when the teacher spends so much time tending to the problem children.
I didn't know what to say or how to react - this was not the perspective I had. Nor was it a normal reaction I anticipated. I had related the experience with the teacher to a friend of mine who is not LDS... has polar opposite political views...and she nearly started crying along with me.
I returned home and told my hubby about this - and he is of the assumption that she is incredibly awkward... but in this case he just shook his head and mumbled something.
I had no idea that a child who needs a little time, acceptance and kindness was a problem child. I can't tell if she's thoughtless, jealous, disdainful or just plain rude.
She later talked about her son who is being teased because of his math skills. Apparently he knows math the other kids don't. She talked about how he wanted to learn more math skills - and she was having a hard time remembering the more advanced stuff and thought to herself - do you really want to continue along this line ...you'll only be mocked.
I was the listener telling her how great it is to have a son who wants to learn... she was just kind of... bleh about it.
Weird.
Lord, please grant me patience.
So - despite all that... I try to be nice when I'm around her...I know... I'm silly.
Turns out her daughter is in my daughter's kindergarten class. Her daughter is adorable - she looks like the little "who" girl from The Grinch that Stole Christmas... the little upturned nose.
I mentioned to her - and my other friend (the one that used to be a lawyer but doesn't keep dwelling on it...) how great my daughter's teacher was - going the extra mile etc... (that I mention in this most recent post).
Her reaction was a bit shocking.
QS: Isn't that amazing? I was so touched by the teacher. She really went the extra-mile.
The Grinch Lady: So she's going to wear her glasses... why? What is that going to do?
QS: I imagine it might make my daughter feel more comfortable - accepted.
The Grinch Lady: Well, that's too bad for the good kids when the teacher spends so much time tending to the problem children.
I didn't know what to say or how to react - this was not the perspective I had. Nor was it a normal reaction I anticipated. I had related the experience with the teacher to a friend of mine who is not LDS... has polar opposite political views...and she nearly started crying along with me.
I returned home and told my hubby about this - and he is of the assumption that she is incredibly awkward... but in this case he just shook his head and mumbled something.
I had no idea that a child who needs a little time, acceptance and kindness was a problem child. I can't tell if she's thoughtless, jealous, disdainful or just plain rude.
She later talked about her son who is being teased because of his math skills. Apparently he knows math the other kids don't. She talked about how he wanted to learn more math skills - and she was having a hard time remembering the more advanced stuff and thought to herself - do you really want to continue along this line ...you'll only be mocked.
I was the listener telling her how great it is to have a son who wants to learn... she was just kind of... bleh about it.
Weird.
Lord, please grant me patience.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Empty nests are for the birds
My nest isn't completely empty yet, but for the past two weeks I've been down two instead of just one. Birdie number three has been busy doing fireworks stands and concessions (during which she rather skillfully stalked the Jonas Brothers--such stalking included removing Nick's used straw from a watered-down drink left in their hospitality suite and helping a friend successfully impersonate Selena Gomez in order to extract intel from one of the security guards--I'm both mad and impressed) and the husband took birdie number four camping for a couple of days so it's definitely been a bit too quiet around here.
And when the birdies fly their friends fly too, so the loss is, well, exponential.
At first I was all about taking care of business (in fact, I completely bailed on the usual 4th of July festivities until last night--I know this is sick and wrong, but I just wanted to clean my kitchen). However I'm beginning to suspect that my usual rationalization for living in a state of manageable chaos is a rather good one:
The problem with getting things done is eventually they will all get done and if one doesn't have little (or even big) birdies around to undo it all, at some point one will run out of things to do.
And then what?
And when the birdies fly their friends fly too, so the loss is, well, exponential.
At first I was all about taking care of business (in fact, I completely bailed on the usual 4th of July festivities until last night--I know this is sick and wrong, but I just wanted to clean my kitchen). However I'm beginning to suspect that my usual rationalization for living in a state of manageable chaos is a rather good one:
The problem with getting things done is eventually they will all get done and if one doesn't have little (or even big) birdies around to undo it all, at some point one will run out of things to do.
And then what?
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