I am having a crisis.
One you probably have all experienced so I'm not sure if I just need to vent it out, or if anyone might actually have a viable solution OR IF THERE'S EVEN A SOLUTION AT ALL.
Here's the deal,
S. was a terrible sleeper at first, you know, the newborn stage and whatnot. Then one night I swaddled him tight and he slept like 5 hours. Miracle. Then the swaddling continued and more sleep at night but still no napping during the day. This continued for about 5 months, night sleeping but no napping unless he was napping on me. It near sent me over the edge. Then one day I just put him in his crib and walked away throwing my hands in the air. He cried for 25 minutes and then slept for 2.5 hours. Then the heavens opened and poured out good fortune upon me and from that point on he was a 2 nap a day for 2 hours and 11-12 hours a night kind of kid. I never had to rock him all the way to sleep, just put him in his crib and he'd do the rest and if he did fall asleep while we were rocking than I could just put him in his crib and he'd continue on napping or whatever.
Teething a mouth full of fangs all at the same time didn't even phase the kid, barring the occasional random episode he still napped and slept like a champion. I had hit the jackpot.
Tuesday entailed an early wake up call (about 5:50 am), he usually sleeps until somewhere around 7 at least. So we get up, we eat, we play, watch some toons. Then the eye rubbing, the yawning, the tell tale signs of exhaustion and nap readiness. So we go to his room, rock in the chair and he falls asleep pronto. I go to lay him down and he wakes as soon as I stand up, terrified, screaming and clinging to me like a spider monkey. Back down I sit, more rocking, back to sleep, go to get up and the whole episode repeats itself. So I just lay him down thinking he'll cry for a few minutes and go down. WRONG. Screaming, lots of screaming. No sleeping.
Repeat for the last 3 days.
Here's the kicker, at night, for the most part he's going down with absolutely no difficulty whatsoever. How do you explain that?
Teething? Perhaps. Tylenol doesn't seem to be helping much and then how would you explain why he's going to bed at night with no problem?
Giving up naps? Then why is he falling asleep instantly when I rock him and acting so sleepy?
Ear infection? Again, why would he be sleeping at night so well (except he is waking up super early, especially today. Hello 4:30 am!).
If he were simply giving up naps that would be fine, but I think I've demonstrated that's not the case. Crying it out hasn't worked so far (though he's finally quiet for the time being). I've made an appointment with the pediatrician to have his ears checked.
The worst part of it all is how I'm handling this situation. I find myself without any patience, on the verge of screaming and yelling back at him. I know how wrong that reaction is, he's 17.5 months old for pity's sake. Why am I not more motherly and loving? Where has my nurturing spirit gone? It's like the first time he tries to really test my patience and motherly skills I go berserk and selfish and only think about me and how I'm losing it and how I can't take this anymore.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
What else doesn't help is that we live in my in-laws basement and every move I make I feel like I'm being watched. It's seriously the fishbowl effect. As if I didn't feel awful enough about how poorly I'm handling stress, I snap at everyone and generally am acting as ugly and dramatic as I possibly can.
I hate that they're seeing this side of me.
I hate that we don't have our own space.
I hate their damn dog and his clicky toenails on the hardwood floor or the way he barks and goes bananas when the doorbell rings.
I hate the advice they try to give me.
I hate the weather.
I hate not being home alone to deal with this.
I am acting like a petulant child. Sullen, defensive, and quick to anger.
I am a train wreck.
I am a bad mommy today.