Thursday, September 6, 2007

Bad Mommy

Yesterday Jooj kicked me in the face while I as trying to buckle her in the car seat. (The kicking is new, thanks to her and Papi bonding over "Human Weapon" on the Discovery Channel.) As I recoiled from the blow I cracked my head on the door frame. I was filled, for a moment, with absolute rage. And I yelled at her--in her face. Then I lightly slapped her cheek. She sobbed.

I spent all evening repenting--she has forgotten it, I think, but I felt awful. I begged for forgiveness from Heavenly Father for being less than patient with his precious little kung-fu master.

And she head butted me this morning--square in the nose.

Remembering my anguish, I did not slap or yell. I instead let out a "Son of Bitch!"

Is that progress? Will next time I just shake it off and make her some pretend tea? Or will I snap and drive away to Vegas? At what point do I finally overcome the natural inclinations I feel when I am in pain (namely, rage)? How do I get over that momentary impulse and become responsible (read: good mommy) for my actions?

6 comments:

Queen Scarlett said...

That is total progress. This is why I have a pressure mounted gate in her room where I can say - go have a cow in there and close the door. Granted - she will get so pissed...that she will literally take off her panties and piss on the carpet.

Any day I don't raise my voice with her... is a victory. Stuff I told myself I'd never say "brat" - "you drive me crazy"... have been said... but I figure that's what the increase of love is for right? We're human... if you head butt us it still hurts. ;-)

I swear - smart kids make ... crazy hyenas.

AzĂșcar said...

This is such a hard one. I cop to spanking Guille the other day, over his pants with a few swats.

I was so angry with him that morning, and to top it off, he found some pills that I thought we had moved. It was MY fault that the pills were accessible. I was so angry with him (from the destruction he’s causing) and then he found those pills that could have hurt him...so I hurt him?

I don’t ever want to get as physical as my parents were with me, but it’s hard overcoming those impulses.

Argh. No one ever said this was easy, right?

Geo said...

Progress, definitely.

From my admittedly limited view, you're all admirable mommies and I hope I do half . . . even half of half . . . as well as you're doing with your bright babes. It's hard not to have a knee-jerk response to pain and frustration when they're hurled at you like that—out of nowhere, or time after time after time.

I hope and pray I won't default to some of the crazy stuff I grew up with. But I've had to eat plenty of my own regrets before. Guess that's why repentance is so beautiful.

~cari~ said...

My oldest son hit me in the face once. I grabbed his arm (really hard) and looked him square in the eye and said in the meanest voice I could muster, "You will NEVER hit mommy again!" and he never did. I hope he won't have to go to therapy or something as an adult but I made it clear hitting was not allowed. He was two at the time and I never had a problem with it again.

I'm a believer in spankings (not beatings) but a smack on the butt if the child is doing something that will harm himself or others. I think it's the only way to truly get their attention. Spanking in anger isn't such a good thing but it sure doesn't mean I haven't done it before. Don't be so hard on yourself. Being a mom is so hard. But you can't let your children be physical and not do anything. My sister does nothing when her kids hit her and now the oldest is 11 and still does it. It all started with playing but now they do it all the time. It's sad.

Anyway, your still a good mommy!

AzĂșcar said...

p.s. I'm trying to let go of "son of a bitch" since, you know, that means ME. I'm trying to replace it with "By the hammer of Thor!" I'll let you know how it goes.

Nette said...

This post actually made me laugh. If losing it because your "angel" nailed you was grounds for being labeled a bad parent, well, there wouldn't be any GOOD parents! You didn't commit some heinous crime. You reacted admirably.

Imagine if someone other than your angel had done it? You'd have kicked their ASS!!! That you reprimanded or cursed showed a trememdous amount of love and restraint. So cut yourself some slack and be glad that you had the sense of self to refrain from dishing out a good ass-whoopin'.

Every day that you tuck your sweetie in, remember all the bad stuff, then look at her sweet, sleeping, angelic face and realize that she's still alive, because you are a good mommy!