Saturday, December 13, 2008

Sister Star

My daughter has a star she watches in the south western sky. It's very bright, and she calls it her "sister star".
We've had a few discussions about it. She says when she sees it, she wonders if her birth mother is seeing it too. (Is it okay to admit that my earthly mama heart hurts a little when she says this?)
Tonight she and I were driving to pick up Pizza Hut for the boys, who were busily trying to finish framing the basement.
We were listening to music that was soothing and sweet and that tugged a little on the heart strings (thank you Mindy Gledhill). A song came on that was particularly touching. The volume was at a comfortable level, but the silence was deafening. I looked over at my daughter and noticed a tear spill out of the corner of her eye. I saw that her eyes were turned toward her star. I sucked back my own tears, swallowed hard and said, "Whatcha thinkin' about, Sis?"
She blinked a few times, then just let the tears come.
We launched into a conversation about her birth mother, the choice she had to make, what some of the possibilities would be had she not made that decision, and what a miracle our family is.
I wanted so much for it to be enough for her.
I want to be enough for her.
I've learned I have to be careful how I word things....I have to find a balance between letting her ask the questions she needs to ask, and answering them appropriately-but briefly, so I don't plant any seeds for her fragile, emotionally immature, and hormonally confused mind to go wild with. (does that make sense? I feel like I have to keep my answers light and cheery, I guess)
As we pulled into the parking space at Pizza Hut, she was ready for the conversation to be over. "Look Mom....I was crying just a second ago, and now I'm over it! Ha! Let's go get our pizza!"
I made a few mental notes:
1. Keep things light but honest
2. I Love her and that is enough
3. Embrace the star
4. Possibly ban Mindy Gledhill from our family ;)

19 comments:

Tonya said...

This brought tears to my eyes. My son is 6 and we have talked a little about his adoption but I still don't think he fully gets it. We love them more than life and that will be enough. I just know it.

Klin said...

You will always be enough. The great thing is that her heart is big enough for both and she doesn't have to choose. No one can ever take your place in her life.

I set my own fear aside and let oldest explore his other family. It was the best thing I did. We did it together and he came away with a better sense of self and more appreciation for his forever family- us.

b. said...

I hoped this post would speak to my fellow adoptive parents...

ps. I will never ban Ms. Gledhill, we enjoy her music too much!

Mrs. Organic said...

What a very sweet, touching post. It's great that she has the comfort level to talk candidly with you about it.

The Sartori's said...

I was so choked up reading this I couldn't read it to my husband and he finally just read it himself. As a couple planning to adopt this touched me.
I am sure you will be enough. I admire your effort to embrace the star. And I think it is okay that it hurts a little.
Good luck.

Wendyburd1 said...

this was beautiful and so touching, you ARE a good Mom!!

Lisa said...

I didn't know my father until I was in my 30's. And meeting him just confirmed that I am fine without him. But I had to figure things out on my own. I don't discuss him at all with my mom or my dad that raised me. And I only have contact with him when he contacts me. Otherwise I fall into the "I'm not worth his time" feeling or more. It's hard to have those feelings even at 40. Even harder when you are a teen. But you are amazing and I know you are handling it all in the best way with your amazing daughter. :)

Bebe said...

Adoption is awesome, that's how I got my parents! I know from experience that a family is who loves you, puts a band aid on your knee, pays for college, and not who gave birth to you. Family is not made by a gene pool--it's made by love, support, and shared experiences. You're doing great!

Sparcam said...

Kids are so great that way! Emoting one second and switching gears the next. Bebe's right. Families are not borne, they are made. I enjoyed seeing you with your daughter. I think I told you then that you smile alike. You are giving her what she needs for now. When she is capable of dealing with the whole scenario, she'll love you even more. Kind of like you don't want to tell a child everything there is to know about the birds and the bees when all they ask is "What's that?"
Can't wait to come up and hang out with you again!

Elizabeth-W said...

Beautiful post, B.

Geo said...

You are so wonderful.

[Word verification: happe]

Jennifer B. said...

So beautiful. Thank you.

Kalli Ko said...

you are quite the mama, what a lucky girl to have you.

loves

Rynell said...

You are awesome! I love that you talk with her about her birth mother when she needs to. I think adopted teens have a different sort of identity struggle than their non-adopted peers. I sure did.

Even though I wondered about my birth mother, I never ever wished for a different family than my adopted (REAL) family. Your daughter is blessed to have you.

a wynn wynn situation said...

You are such a GREAT mom!

b. said...

Thank You....
I am blessed beyond measure to be the Mommy that gets to raise her and have her for eternity.

wendy said...

That was beautiful, b. I wonder when my own will have moments like that. I hope I handle them well, too.

The Lewis Family said...

Random roller here, thank you for posting that. I don't even pretend to understand the heart and soul it takes to adopt but believe this much, you don't deserve to ever have your heart hurt, it is too big a heart to deserve to feel such a pain. That being said, I can totally understand how it could hurt and know that it takes special people to bear such, and so thus you must be :)
~C

Stepper the Mighty said...

B. - thank you for posting about experiences like these on your blogs. thank you for being so raw and real.

- Stepper