fwiw: reconciliation

here's a little follow up to the mean girl post:

time has healed some wounds. suzie did apologize--more than once--and then she waited. it was kind of sweet, really. i could tell when we talked about it that her regret and her desire to make things right was sincere. there were numerous times she would ask us or another friend if she should call katy or try to chat with her when she was on facebook, but it never seemed to be the right time. at school, katy wouldn't even look at her.

then a couple of days ago she must have called katy or something, because suze came jumping into the living room all excited (and a little too proud of herself) that she was going to go over to katy's (she lives just around the corner). they reconciled and katy even came over to our house. i know things may still be a bit awkward--they can both get on each other's nerves--but they're both trying.

the reason i wanted to bring this up again (in addition to the fact that i like resolution) is that i learned a valuable lesson from katy's mom. she works with my husband and i was afraid that would be a little awkward (because we all know how easy it is to get all mother bear when it comes to our kids). i had an opportunity to speak with her at the school's christmas party and i was so grateful and impressed.

katy's mother was great. i apologized to her and told her how badly we felt and how much we loved and missed katy. she had the right to be very angry, but instead she was awesome. she took the "girls will be girls" approach, telling me that katy has been guilty of doing the very same thing. while she was obviously sad that her daughter's feelings had been hurt, she also made it clear she wanted the two to reconcile. she expressed her hopes that suzie would be patient while katy worked through it and that they would be friends again. she also told me how much they loved and missed suze and was so very understanding. that was super generous of her, especially as, in this case, it was completely my child's fault.

what i have observed as a mother with older kids--particularly as a mother of a daughter--is that we have two options when our girls mix it up with or are hurt by other girls. we can go all mother bear and want to hurt somebody (this is my instinctual response) and try to fix it. or we can love and support our own child, while remaining open to the possibility that there are two sides to every story; get the facts and look at them with some degree of perspective; and give our kids the space to work things out and learn what they can and need to from the experience.

with the girls in my hood, i have seen the effects of both types of parental responses. my observation is that the results are generally better--resolution is more likely and my child learns so much more--when i take the high road.

i guess what i am saying is, when i grow up i want to be like katy's mom.

that's all.

Sister Star

My daughter has a star she watches in the south western sky. It's very bright, and she calls it her "sister star".
We've had a few discussions about it. She says when she sees it, she wonders if her birth mother is seeing it too. (Is it okay to admit that my earthly mama heart hurts a little when she says this?)
Tonight she and I were driving to pick up Pizza Hut for the boys, who were busily trying to finish framing the basement.
We were listening to music that was soothing and sweet and that tugged a little on the heart strings (thank you Mindy Gledhill). A song came on that was particularly touching. The volume was at a comfortable level, but the silence was deafening. I looked over at my daughter and noticed a tear spill out of the corner of her eye. I saw that her eyes were turned toward her star. I sucked back my own tears, swallowed hard and said, "Whatcha thinkin' about, Sis?"
She blinked a few times, then just let the tears come.
We launched into a conversation about her birth mother, the choice she had to make, what some of the possibilities would be had she not made that decision, and what a miracle our family is.
I wanted so much for it to be enough for her.
I want to be enough for her.
I've learned I have to be careful how I word things....I have to find a balance between letting her ask the questions she needs to ask, and answering them appropriately-but briefly, so I don't plant any seeds for her fragile, emotionally immature, and hormonally confused mind to go wild with. (does that make sense? I feel like I have to keep my answers light and cheery, I guess)
As we pulled into the parking space at Pizza Hut, she was ready for the conversation to be over. "Look Mom....I was crying just a second ago, and now I'm over it! Ha! Let's go get our pizza!"
I made a few mental notes:
1. Keep things light but honest
2. I Love her and that is enough
3. Embrace the star
4. Possibly ban Mindy Gledhill from our family ;)

Heels

I must admit I rolled my eyes when Sissy G put on a pair of strappy 4 inch heels to go to Sam's Club with me today.
I decided it was a battle I'd rather not fight and agreed to let her wear them....certain she would take them off within minutes for comfort's sake.
I was wrong...my girly girl not only wore them the entire shopping trip, but strode, strutted, and glided in them like a runway model!!
I don't encourage this. In fact, I think heels--while they look pretty and make your legs look better--are ridiculous in everyday living. (It doesn't mean if you wear them I think YOU are ridiculous) I think they are going to ruin your feet. That's all I'm sayin'.
I'm uber practical. I'm busy. I work hard. And I can't be bothered with feet that hurt!
(It doesn't mean if you wear them I think you aren't any of the above)
At 12 years old, she's already 5'4". Her birthmother was 5'11" and the birthfather was nearly 7'. She is going to be tall. Heels may not be something she is interested in for much longer.

When a fun song with a good beat came on overhead, I looked over and Sissy Girl was dancing in her fancy heels like no one was watching. With twirls, chass'es, and step ball changes.

Oh, to be that uninhibited....

We went to the shoe store later. I bought myself a nice pair of practical flats and two pairs of adorable peep toe heels for her.

I know I won't always delight in our differences...but I have a feeling my dear daughter will be teaching me a thing or two about style.....and substance.

Zero to Sixty and Back Again

Yesterday Dora was talking about what she wanted to be when she grew up. She turned to the audience and yelled "What do YOU want to be when you grow up?" And Jooj answered "Jooj wants to be a mommy!"

YES!

A few hours later when watching it again, Dora turned to the audience and yelled "What do YOU want to be when you grow up?" And Jooj answered "Jooj wants to be a ChooChoo Twain."

And we're back.


I really hope that the recording angels were paying attention EARLIER on in the day.

choosing your battles

I've found another plus side to choosing your battles. You know, besides the fact that I am happier and my kids are happier and who has the energy to fight about everything anyway?!

Sometimes you get to relish tiny victories.

Any of you who read my blog are aware of my frustration over our middle school's new dress code. I think the fact that I went to bat for what I believed was right helped my daughter feel I am on her side. (Which I am, but most especially when she is right.)

However, as much as I believe in standing up for what's right, I also believe in honoring, obeying and sustaining the law. So I've been wondering how to handle my conflictedness about this issue come the first day of school.

I chose to ease into the subject, mentioning that collared (yeah, I keep wanting to type: collard)shirts were on sale and that we ought to prepare now for the first week of school. I wanted to make sure she was clear that I assumed she would (eventually) comply (because I am most definitely not going to commute to another school).

I was surprised to learn she has already come up with a brilliant plan:

Based on past experience, she doesn't expect they'll enforce the new dress code any better than they enforced the prior one; she doesn't want me to spend too much money; and she still wants to make her point. So she asked me to buy only a couple of collared shirts for now. She plans to wear her favorite tie-dyed T-shirt to school on the first day in protest and in order to test the system. (Call me a rebel, but I'm fine with that.) I explained to her what the administration has posted by way of action for non-compliance: They will call home and then give the student something to wear. (I am working on my protest speech for the non-compliance call even now.) L~ intends to take a wait and see approach. If they call her out she will accept the shirt they give her but instead of wearing it she will wear the one I have purchased for her, which she will have hidden in her backpack.

Fair enough.

But the sweetest victory came last night when we were out shopping. While she did complain a bit about how blah! the collared shirts were, she has already found a way to comply while still fulfilling her need to express herself. The first thing she said as we started sifting through the sale rack was, "OK mom, but the first thing we have to do is take off all the buttons and find some cool ones to replace them with."

I bought a packaged of bold and bright-colored buttons first thing this morning.

Take that Dixon! I love this kid!!

cuz i'm nice like that

L~ went up to Mia Shalom this week for girls camp. Keep in mind every other stake has been scrambling like crazy to reschedule or cancel or make plans elsewhere. Cuz baby it's cooooold up there. And muddy. And snowy.

L~ insisted on packing herself and would not let me oversee. She promised me she had enough warm clothes and had packed all of her hoodies and then she told me to bug off (rather nicely, though). So I did.

But that didn't stop me from sneaking a heavy down coat to her YW leader before they left on Tuesday. And a love note.

This morning I was cleaning her room to surprise her (because every time I leave on vacation the one thing I want to come home to is a clean house) and I found all of her hoodies.

Except one.

Hmmmm.

I am a good mommy.

she's really gonna hate me for this

But I just have to share with you something I found written by my 12-year-old daughter. It looks like it must have been an assignment for school. It reads as follows:



When I look in the mirror I see a really cool person. I see a sort of tall, smart, Athletic, musical & colorful person. I love coming to school and I have alot of friends.

When I wake up I think 'Today is going to be a great day.' I'm a really friendly person who loves live."



I sincerely hope as her mother I never do or say anything that would diminish this beautiful sense of herself that she--against all odds really--currently has. I will strive to be even more unrelenting in my efforts to help her know who she is--and to value herself simply because she is who she is--as the media and society are in commanding her to conform to their sick and distorted standards of whom they think she should be.

And now I ask you, what can I do to ensure that at age 14 and again at 16 and even when she is finally 18 (after that she's on her own) she still sees someone so beautiful when she looks in the mirror?

not to scare you...

...but to prepare you.

I've finally put into words the difference between raising teenage sons and raising teenage daughters. Don't worry. it seems not every teen feels the need to rage against the mother, and even with the worst (for me so far), they eventually grow out of it.

Once hormones set in it can be like this:

When your son gets mad he will pick up the emotional equivalent of a sofa and hurl it at you with all his might. No biggie. It's cumbersome and his aim is bad. You calmly step out of the way as he misses you completely. And he's over it.

When your daughter needs to vent her overwhelming emotions she dips a silver arrow in the most perfect poison prepared for you personally then pulls back her bow and shoots the arrow directly into your mother heart. She hits you dead center every time.

The trick will be to develop an immunity to every poison known to teengirlkind. Then you should be able to walk away from that one, too. I'm still working on it. I'll let you know.

(Is this a little too much information? If my frankness makes anyone uncomfortable let me know. I can keep it to myself.)