to play or not to play

Let's put the whole east vs. west thing aside and cut it down to this:

Work

vs.

Play

Go!

McDonald's is not your mom

Did you happen to catch this today?

"You're a mom. You're their mom. Isn't it your job to tell them 'No?'"

Yes. When that's what's best for them, that's what you do. Once. Twice. One-hundred beyond infinity times.

You're in charge of what they eat.

You're in charge of how many McDonald's commercials they're seeing on TV.

You're in charge of teaching them "You can't have everything, because where would you put it?!"

What are you going to do, sue everybody trying to sell something that may not be in the best interest of your kid?

Woman up and just say "No" already.

Or again, as the case may be.

has this happened to you?

so my 14-year-old did something stupid and unkind the other day. part of me is angry and disappointed. but part of me knows this has happened, at one time or another, to a lot of people. so i'd like to hear your stories and about how you handled it if it ever happened to you.

despite my repeated pleas she "play nice," she was dissing a friend to a group of other friends (to be fair, they were all dissing that girl. mean, i know. but also very 14). while she was going off the girl walked in and heard what she said.

the girl is, of course, crushed. i wish i had the power to take her hurt away and unbreak her heart, but i don't.

i would, however, like to know how to help my daughter apologize. (not that she listens to me. much. but i'd like to try.) she does feel badly (she has a conscience after all). but she is more prone to avoid the situation than woman up and say she's sorry.

your thoughts?

I would never say that someone else is not a good mommy. Still...

I mean, the kid clearly won't drink so much water that she dies, so there is that.

Have you read this already?

Sorry to post an old article. It's almost one year old. (Must be recirculating due to Mother's day?) It hardly seems outdated, though. In fact, I think it is a great intro to the study of the long term effects of "feminism". The very daughter of one of the figureheads of the women's rights movement, Alice Walker, talks about the conflicting and confusing elements of her own life and how they shaped her desires to not only become a mother...but to ENJOY motherhood.

Enlightening? Yes.
Thought provoking? Definitely.
Worthy of a mouse click and a response in the comments? Please, do!

I am dying to hear your thoughts.

How Dare You Feed Me Minced Fish!!?!

Have you seen this commercial?


It makes me SO angry.

Initially, I was cheesed because of the dialogue. I mean, who thinks it cute for a little girl to speak to her mother that way? Not me. If Jooj talked to me like that (being honest--WHEN Jooj talks to me like that) she gets disciplined. Because it is not okay. Because I am the mom and she is not. And if I want to buy her minced fish then, by gum, she will eat it and shut up about it. Because she is four, and minced fish is not any worse than whole fish sticks. Fish sticks are fish sticks. In fact, in order to mince fish the manufacturer has to use BETTER fish to begin with, because lesser-quality fish won't hold up through the mincing process.

About the third time I saw this, though, I realized there was much more to it than the sassy little sasspot bossing her mother around. The thing that makes me the angriest about this commercial is that it is designed to make mothers feel guilty about feeding their children something "inferior." Which is total crap. I know that it is a tried-and-true marketing technique, but there is something about the child blatantly telling her mother that she is terrible for her fish purchase that enrages me. It makes me never want to buy this brand ever again.

But, really, this is not about fish sticks. It is about tapping into the guilt that mommies face every day. It is about advertisers pushing the idea that whatever a mother does, it is never enough. Not only are we expected to bear and raise and teach and nurture our young, but we had better do it with the most expensive, modern products available. For Pete's sake, they are applying the whole Madonna/Whore concept to FISH FINGERS.

And this is why I yell at my television.

Because it only takes 15 minuts for dinner... uh huh...riiiiiigggght...

Did you know that potty-training takes NO EFFORT?

Did you know that latching a baby also takes NO EFFORT?

Writing a series of novels, with baby on my lap takes NO EFFORT whatsoever? The characters just speak and I am the stenographer....

Well guess what? Yep - FAMILY SCRIPTURE READING TAKES ....wait for it... NO EFFORT!

Here's how:

6p: Dinner (no TV after dinner)

6:15: Tidy house up

6:45: Bath / get ready for bed (mom and dad too)

7pm: Meet in mom & dads room for scripture study

7:30: Family prayer

7:30: Bed

IT WORKS WITHOUT EFFORT!

I don't know about you...but dinner takes longer than 15 min for my family... and we have one less than them. Also... really? 5 people - with three kids under the age of 8... only 15 min for baths and teeth brushing...etc...? REALLY? REALLY?!

... this is not a joke - this was an email sent to our Relief Society blast list by a woman in our ward who is... for lack of a better word - delusional. She and her husband would leave their kids at Church on Sunday... so when we had to find them because the kids were acting up ... they were no where to be found. Yep - free babysitting on Sundays baby.

But... don't you all feel better now? NO EFFORT... NONE... YIPEE...

Got Milk?

Lactation may prove lucrative...? At least in the Switzerland. Check it out.

Where did I go?

W and I are in the process of applying for our second adoption. One of the last things we have to do is write the "Pick us!!" letter to the birth parents. We are using the old one--because it is good and in the three years since we wrote it Jooj has made my brain hurt a lot-but updating it to reflect our current situations. (Like the part that says "We will never spank." Oh, the laughter when I re-read that part!) The format we used was: I wrote a paragraph introducing W, he wrote one for me, and then I wrote the rest about our belief systems, etc. It worked.

When W wrote the paragraph about me the last time it was all "Jen is so educated!" and "Masters!" and "Smart" and "Hot!" (Not really, but I read between the lines) and "Strong and Capable!" and "REALLY smart!".

He just emailed me the update and here is what it says now: "Good mother!" "Preschool and Playgroup!" "Takes kid to soccer!" "Mom!" and "Jooj's Mom!"

Apparently I have vanished in three years.

I don't know where I went (I certainly haven't gotten any smaller physically) and I don't know when it happened. There was a point where I desperately wanted to be someone's mom--anyone's mom! And it is not like I want to go back to that place (although I am often tempted) but there has got to be a place where "Mom" and "Me" co-exist.

Have you found that place? Where is it? How did you get there?

command climate (sorry--is it stealing if I credit the source? Thanks W.)

La yen's husband just posted an excellent and thought-provoking post about Army leadership. Why am I bringing it up here? Because the philosophy behind the type of "command climate" he discusses has been the foundation for some of my parenting beliefs and the way I try to parent. I want us to discuss.

These are the questions W. asked (replace "soldiers" with "children"):

"What are you doing to motivate your Soldiers? Do they work for you out of a fear of repercussion or out of respect for you? Do they trust that you are tactically and technically proficient, that you know the mission and your unit's role in it? Do they feel that you are actively protecting their interests and placing their needs above your own? Do you praise in public and punish in private? Do you conduct frequent counselings, either formal or informal, to let those around you know where they stand?
"

When I was a kid I obeyed mostly out of fear. It was the belt or the boot if I was way out of line (please don't get the wrong idea about my parents--they were and are good people--they were just doing it how it was done back then). But I felt conflicted about it. I remember as a child contemplating how I would want my kids to respect me because I deserved it, not because they were afraid of me; I wanted them to obey out of love, respect and goodness, not out of fear.

As I said I've only been moderately (on some days barely--last night hardly) successful at parenting in this way. There have been shortcomings and failures. But at the same time it feels right to me. And I have witnessed moments of goodness, honesty and genuineness (sometimes even when the rest of the outcome was not exactly what I intended) that pleased me and made me feel good about my beliefs and my efforts.

What do you think about this style of parenting? Are the results desirable? Could side affects or unintended consequences occur? Is it possible and/or practical to achieve with a three-year-old? What about a thirteen-year-old? How does one accomplish this style of parenting? What are the day-to-day applications?

What command climate do you seek as a mother. How do you attain it?