Bad Mommy...

Confession.

So last weekend I had this feeling I needed to take my flu virus ridden 20 month old to the urgent care center to have her ears checked out. She hadn't been sleeping well and felt miserable.

But... I figured since her big sister who's prone to ear infections came back from her appointment that Mon without an ear infection... and a Daddy who took her saying "I told you so".... that I was just being my typical over-reacting self.

You should see how often I go to the doctor... I'm a little nuts.

Finally on Tuesday I take my poor ... baggy eyed baby to the doctor. She has an ear infection. The left is worse than the right...and I am devastated.

I feel like the meanest mommy in the world. The doctor knows me well enough that he tries to pretend he doesn't seem me with the tears...he tells me not to crucify myself.

I know better... I know that when she was up every hour for a boobie I was getting grumpy-tired. I know that even though she stuck to me like glue every morning and I loved it...I was also trying to figure out how I could distract her so I could get chores done.

All I could do was kiss my baby and tell her I was sorry. Oh...and apologize for being so mean and agreeing when her Daddy said to turn off the monitor at night... he said she'd need to learn to cry it out and learn to sleep. This was before we knew for sure it was an ear infection... but she was still sick. I let him do that... what is wrong with me? She was in pain and needed me.

Anyway... my little wake up call to trust my instinct ...and always better to be sure. Poor baby - she's my little happy one that loves to turn to smile at me.

Brace Yourself

I took Sissy G. to get her braces off today.
We've been waiting for this day for 20 days shy of 2 years.
I knew we'd both be wowed, but I wasn't prepared for this:

She opened her mouth into a slick, smooth, shiny white smile.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I took in a quick deep breath.......
She looks exactly like her Birth Mother.

In that instant, I was taken back to a hotter summer day in 1996. Hoss and I had made the drive to the hometown of the woman who gave her birth.
We met our attorney in the hotel lobby and drove to her parents' home, where she lived.
We pulled up and she was leaning on the car of a new boy friend's. She glanced at us and went back to finishing up her conversation. Eventually, making her way over to us.

The hours, events, and emotions that followed over the next 24 hours came rushing back to me today. Sissy G.'s was the only Birth Mother we met of our three children. It was also the most difficult adoption experience of the three. On one hand, especially after meeting and seeing what could have been the rest of her life, we KNEW it was right. She was meant to be with us. No question. But, at the end of that 24 hour period......taking her from the arms of the beautiful soul who created and grew her....also felt criminal.
I stared at her for as long as I could. Long enough that I could remember her features, but not so long that I creeped her out.

Today.....I stared at that face again.

It was bittersweet. Because, if I'm being honest, I forget that I didn't grow and give birth to my children. I get caught up in the birth stories my friends tell and always have to stop myself from jumping in......
Comforted by our Temple sealings, I know-- without shadow of doubt--that this was God's plan.
I would not have it any other way........my children are my children no matter how they came. But for a brief moment(s) in time......I wish someone else's heart didn't have to be broken. It's a feeling I can't really put well with words, I dunno.

I guess what I'm saying is.......wherever she is, I pray that Heavenly Father will whisper to her today, tell her how thankful I am.....how beautiful they both are......and that her choice was perfect.

Another "Parenting" Mag Inspired Subject...or Two

I present to you ladies, two more topics inspired by Parenting magazine. They were both just too good to pass up!

1. Some excerpts from a book called Dirty Little Secrets From Otherwise Perfect Moms, by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile:

• "When I'm at Safeway, I buy a Nordstrom gift card and charge it as groceries. I can justify it that way." (Genius!)
• "I lied and told my son's preschool that he was potty trained so he could get in. I acted surprised when he had an 'accident' every day."
• "Once I realized my neighbors could hear me over the baby monitor (we were on the same frequency), I suddenly changed my tone and became 'Sweet, nice Mommy.'"
• "I pass gas and blame it on the kids."
• "I forgot to pick my boy up from kindergarten because I was too involved in a Vh1 Rockumentary."
• "My kids don't wear pj's on weeknights. They go to bed in their school clothes so I don't have to fight with them about their outfits in the morning."
  

It's interesting to me that some people's "dirty little secrets" are hysterically funny to me (probably because I can relate!) .... while others I find, well, horrifying. Why is that??? Guess it just proves that everyone is just doing the best they can. AND every family is DIFFERENT!

What's your dirty little secret?

2. Ridiculous-Trend Alert:
Parents are getting their kids' school and other photos retouched- even for preschoolers!

What?!??!? Are you serious??? Ok question number two

What would you retouch on a photo of your kids, and why?

You're A Good Mom

So I just had to share this book review that I found at Parenting.com (actually-- it came from a free Parenting magazine that was sent to me a while back. For some reason I get random free issues of Parenting magazine. Perhaps someone has taken pity on my poor children and signed me up for a "gift" subscription?)

What today's parenting lingo would have meant to our moms:

• Floor time Time spent waxing the kitchen floor
• Time-Out A short break during a sporting event, or taking a break from the laundry to watch Days of Our Lives
• Kindergarten readiness Your kid's fifth birthday
• Use your words "Knock it off, kids!"
• Quality time Reading the paper in the car outside the theater where the kids are seeing The Bad News Bears
• Teachable moments School

-From Your a Good Mom (And Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either), by Jen Singer


Call me old fashioned, but....

So THAT'S How We're Going to Play This...

I bought The Jooj one of the $5 plastic golf sets from The-Mega-Store-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named the other day.

She promptly stuck her leg into the plastic golf bag and got it very stuck.

I promptly got my camera.

Then I realized just how wedged it was, and I got the Pam.

After we freed her battered little leg she told me "You gave me owies, Mami!"

I responded with "No, sweetie, YOU stuck your leg inside and Mami got you out. Mami helped you..."

And then she cut me off with a "Mami, just say you sorry!"

And so it begins. Do I need to write this on the calendar as "The day everything became my fault?" I BOUGHT her a new toy. I SHOWED her how to golf. I LET her hit the dog with a club one time to get it out of her system. I SPRAYED her with lubricant (the expensive baking kind, even!). And what do I get from this? Nothing but grief. Prior to this I was revising a post I had written about how there are some things only mothers can do--how we are the panaceas to so many of life's little hurts. And I am glad I didn't finish it because, apparently, I was all wrong. We are not the cure, we are the cause. Good to know.

It's all About the Spin

Some would say I am a Bad Mommy for putting my kid to bed at 6:45 tonight, even though she probably was not all that tired.

I say that I am a Good Mommy because I understand my limits, and the ratio of toddler-to-sanity was skewing in a scary way.

What do you spin in order to get away with?

guest post: irrigation, irritation, irradiation

The following is a guest post from one of my favorite bloggers, who finds herself in a dilemma:

Friends. I need some guidance.
If you are a regular visitor here, please advise.
If you are a lurker, please de-lurk and advise.
Anonymous comments are on. That doesn't mean anony can be mean.

We live in a rural area. We are surrounded by farms.
My boys, who are almost 16 and 13 were offered a job working on some acreage near us--moving irrigation pipe throughout the summer. The pay would work out to be significantly above minimum wage. It would not be every day, but just during the farmer's water turn. It would be 3 or 4 mornings (5:30-6:30 am) and then again in the evening (6:00-7:00 pm) several times throughout the watering months.

This all sounded great, until I found out who their foreman would be.

We have a Sex Offender in our area. We discovered this by searching the Sex Offenders' Web Site. We check out the site every time somebody new comes into the area or when the kids want to hang out at a new friend's house. If you are not scoping it out...you should.

As you have probably guessed, Chester is the foreman. I don't know what the situation is, all I know is that it happened in 1999 and his target is female minors.

When I stated my objection to offering up my boys to a secksual predator, I was met with eyerolling and some SERIOUS flack. "You have no idea what the situation was!" and "Jeez, give the guy a break!" and "MOM!! You're being ridiculous!" "Yeah, like we're gonna let him do anything to us!"

After a big discussion with the boys about never going anywhere with him and how predators work, etc. I agreed to let them go to work.

The other day, I got home from work and the boys told me they had their first day irrigating. I was kind of surprised that it had started already, but said (again with hesitation), "So, how was he?" (again with the eyerolling) "Okay," I said "As long as you don't ever get in a car with him." The boys looked at each other and said, "Too late." Mr. Chester has offered to come and pick us up and bring us home each time. (red flag) (this would mean about a 7 mile round trip for him twice a day).

I told them to call Mr. Chester and tell him I would be driving them. I drove them to the farm (2 miles straight down the road from us) and waited for them to finish. Hoss pulled up while I was waiting and wondered why I had brought them. "Chester offered to drive them." I blinked a few times and said, "Do you really think that is a good idea?" (eyerolling) "He's been re-baptized and repented and forgiven. It happened a long time ago. Give the guy a break.....haven't you ever done anything wrong before?"

"I have never diddled a child." was my answer.

He kept telling me that I was being ridiculous. I talked him through a few scenarios before saying, "Hoss. Let's just say that there is a good chance nothing would happen. But if something WERE to happen, could you forgive yourself?" He had to concede at that point.

Before going to bed last night, I asked Hoss if he would be willing to take them (I've been sick with the death of pneumonia and asthma and still continuing to work full time). "They can walk, or ride the bike." I reminded him we have one bike, two boys and it's freezing cold before dawn's crack. He didn't seem to mind. So, this morning at 5:15 am, I took the boys to their job, waited an hour for them to finish, and brought them home so they could be ready for school and I could get ready for work.

They all still think I'm being silly (except for Machine--he gets me, and has not given me an ounce of flack! Also, both of them were VERY grateful for a warm car to crawl into after braving the icy alfalfa this morning!).
I feel very strongly about it. As someone who was preyed upon by not just one predator-and survived to tell the tale.....I almost think I have a greater responsibility to protect my kids. I have FULL KNOWLEDGE of the risk and the fallout. I will continue to drive them (while it's cold-ish and dark) and will maybe let them ride the bike(s) when the weather gets better.

This is where you come in. Am I being ridiculous? What would you do?

Irradiate me with your wisdom.